HOW TO EXPRESS EMOTIONS IN A HEALTHY WAY

If, like me, you grew up in an environment where you didn’t feel it was safe to express your feelings and emotions, it can carry into adulthood.

Maybe you were brought up to believe that crying was weak. Or with a parent/ caregiver that was so vulnerable you felt you had to be the ‘strong’ one. Maybe you didn’t receive the attention and nurture you needed as a child so seek it in other ways without even realising that you’re suppressing feelings of neglect.

The beliefs you develop in childhood are so deeply ingrained in your subconscious, it takes time to re-programme them. Be patient with yourself with this process.

When emotions are suppressed, they create blockages in your energy, leaving you feeling drained. This can manifest in many ways including negative behaviour and unhealthy patterns, mental illness such as anxiety and depression or physically in a weakened immune system, making you more susceptible to illness and disease.

Our mind, body and soul are interconnected. There is not one entity without the other. For these three levels of consciousness to work in harmony together, energy needs to flow freely. Emotions need to be expressed.

"You have to feel it to heal it."

Think of your energy as a river. For the river to flow smoothly, it needs to be free of blockages such as rocks. When you suppress emotions, they create rocks in your river. It may start off as one rock but over time, with the stresses of every-day life, relationship difficulties, loss of loved ones, money difficulties etc. these all add up.

It may get to the point where the blockages form a dam that stops the flow of energy altogether, until the weight of the water inevitably breaks it down. Sometimes it can be the smallest thing that finally results in 'breaking point'.

I don’t want you to reach breaking point. I want you to feel safe to express and release your emotions, whether it’s in private, in the company of someone you love and trust or with a professional such as a therapist, counsellor or coach.

2020 has been a challenging year. You have been forced to think and live differently. So much change, unease and uncertainty will have inevitably affected you on an emotional level.

UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS

Accept and Value Your Emotions

Feelings and emotions are a natural part of being human. There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. There is no shame in any of them. They are a natural response to events and circumstances that happen in life.

In order to express emotions, you must first accept that they are part of who you are.

Recognise the Emotion

Think of emotions as your morning alarm, beeping for your attention. Are you going to acknowledge it, turn it off and get up, or are you going to keep pressing snooze? If you continue to snooze, you’re running the risk of your adding another rock to your dam.

To avoid patterns of suppression, consciously take a moment to identify the emotion as it arises. It’s vying for your attention. When it arises ask yourself "how am I feeling?" Take the time to tune into yourself to really see the emotion for what it is. Often, an initial feeling masks the underlying emotion e.g. anger or frustration can actually be caused by hurt or feelings of betrayal.

"Running away from an emotion is a sure way to carry it with you."

Example: Your partner is late for a family dinner and you feel irritable. You haven’t heard anything from them and your family are sitting at the restaurant table waiting to order. Take a deep breath and simply ask yourself, “why am I irritable?” Are you simply hangry? Or is there something deeper?

Find the Source

Emotional intelligence takes time to develop, an acute awareness of oneself and practice. However, if you get into the habit of recognising your emotions as they arise, you can then take steps to identify the cause. You may notice patterns.

In Jay Shetty’s book ‘Think Like a Monk’ , he gives a great analogy of a tree when discussing fear. Using this analogy in relation to the example above, your irritability in regards to your partner’s late arrival to dinner would represent a branch of the tree. The tree may have many branches however the root of the tree represents the source. I love the analogy Jay uses as it invites us to “get to the root of it.”

When feelings and emotions are suppressed or ignored, they can become increasingly complex and intense. In the example above, a feeling of irritability could be a signal of something much deeper. Especially if, for example you haven’t addressed deeper emotions previously in your relationship. Maybe your partner is regularly late and you worry something has happened or are questioning their commitment. You may even question whether or not they like your family!

Adding to the complexity of human emotion, they can be intensified when a current experience or event reminds you of something from the past. Being mindful of this and learning from the past can help you respond more consciously in the present and prevent triggered reactions.

Taking the time to get to the root of the emotion will not only assist you in processing it but also in communicating it clearly and effectively instead of reacting impulsively.

WAYS TO RELEASE EMOTION

Journaling

Writing is a therapeutic way to express any emotion. Write freely as thoughts come into your head, relinquish any worries about grammar and spelling. This is for you and you alone. Once you’ve finished writing, you don’t even need to keep it. Feel free to rip it up, cross it out or even burn it (safely)!

Exercise

Moving your body helps shift energy that can otherwise sit stagnant in your body.

Yoga is great as it requires you to focus on your breathing and poses which is extra relaxing.

Dancing is a fun way to release emotions and you can choose music depending on how you're feeling. Whether you need some heavy rock that you can air punch and kick to or something melancholic that you can slow dance to, anything goes. Have your own little dance party! You can even create a ‘dance party’ playlist, just for you.

Trampolining, running, boxing or even gardening will work too. It’s all down to personal preference and these suggestions are by no way exhaustive so if you have a favourite way to exercise - run with it! Pun intended ;-)

Cry

This might seem obvious but it’s one of the most powerful ways to release emotion and not just sadness but also frustration, disappointment, shame, guilt, anger etc. Get yourself a box of nice tissues, watch 'P.S. I Love You' or listen to Adele if you have to. Don’t hold back. Cry until you’re all cried out. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Share it

Sometimes the best thing to do is to share the way you’re feeling with someone you trust. This can be a loved one or a professional such as a therapist or coach who will listen without judgement.

If you’re sharing emotions in a relationship, be it platonic, romantic, familial or even work, take your time to go through the steps of recognising and finding the source. Communicating emotions can become difficult when interlaced with previous experiences, subconscious beliefs, family values and other external factors. When you understand the emotion and its cause, you can respond to others from a place of knowing and understanding.

Remember, you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. Once you accept this, it is incredibly empowering as it allows you to take ownership of your feelings and emotions. Once you do so, you can consciously choose how you respond to people and situations. You always have a choice.

GO EASY ON YOURSELF

Healing can take its toll so be sure to treat yourself with kindness, patience and compassion (like you would a best friend). Get plenty of rest, hydrate and fuel your body with nutritious foods. Self-care is crucial in the healing process.

"Caring for your body, mind and spirit is your greatest and grandest responsibility. It's about listening to the needs of your soul and honouring them."

Above all, don't forget to love yourself. You're amazing!

Much love,

Sandra x